Guide dogs for America today announced that all dogs currently working with a blind owner in the USA would face mandatory and random drug testing for Marijuana, MDMA and Cocaine. The new law will come into effect in January 2014. Spokesman for the charity Andrew Wilberforce III delivered a press conference on Tuesday outlining the measures.
“Since 2010 we have been constantly under pressure by insurance companies to implement greater levels of drug testing for our dogs in the workplace. A dog that is high or stoned is a greater accident risk for both the owner and the animal. By introducing mandatory drug testing we expect the insurance premiums for our animals and owners to be greatly reduced.
Quite obviously a dog that is under the influence of marijuana is going to have its judgement impaired if driving a motor vehicle or whilst operating heavy machinery for its owner.
A dog that develops a serious habit will not only cost its owner more in dog food and treats, the dog will also become more lethargic often choosing to stay home and “chill out” whilst watching vacuous reality TV shows or playing for hours on the PlayStation, the blind person is then forced by necessity to drive themselves to the store or the mini-mart, or operate their own heavy machinery and this introduces some serious risks.”
Insurance companies have started implementing mandatory drug testing in most professions in the United States although it is the first time that seeing dogs have been targeted. “Woofy”, a seeing dog from Vermont told our reporters:
“I have been expecting this for a while, as long as it’s a piss test I have no worries, I just drop loads of vitamin B and drink gallons of water two days before. If they test my hair follicles I could be screwed as I have been using heavily for a couple of years now. This whole industry of drug testing is ridiculous, its proven that drug testing has no financial benefit to employers, it is proven that it does nothing to remove work place risk, its about money and nothing else!
If you were a seeing dog you would want to light up a fat one to, it can be a stressful work environment at the best of times, the new drug testing is going to ruin my nightly routine lighting up a fatty and chilling out on the sofa to The Grateful Dead whilst licking my balls”