The world’s largest military contractor put its balls firmly on the block today by officially stating that Syria harbors a “Bunch of Evil Wankers”. Dr Jimmy Fuggelface III, press secretary for Lockheed Martin spelt it out clearly to the gathered journalists, and some folks writing stories for the larger news organisations. Excerpt:
“Dudes, lets just face it; lets call a spade a spade, Syria which is located somewhere in the Middle East, I think its near Pakistan or whatever, is full of a bunch of evil wankers, and if we want to ensure that they don’t skip around the USA merrily letting off nukes and raping our donkeys with gay abandon, then these Syrian bad bastards need to be dealt with now, and they need to be dealt with quickly.
I want to be clear, I am not marketing war – in fact I hate war, especially the ones that I may have to fight in. Lets face reality though, really a war all the way over there isn’t such a big deal is it?. We have all of this really nice military equipment now, like missiles that only target children picking up rocks, and unmanned drones that can take out a women buying sharp bread sticks from over 18 miles away. I am being completely honest with you when I say that we need to test that shit out, in fact it is giving me a lazy boner just thinking about it.
I know that this Syria place is full of evil bastards because my previous VP at Lockheed ‘Bruce Jackson’ helped draft the republican foreign policy platform and is heavily involved in the Project for a New American Century, this guy knows his shit when it comes to rag heads, so when he says fart, I say how loud?
I personally don’t want to see my kids speaking Syrian, or one of those “other” Arabic languages, or sneaking off to rape an innocent donkey at my local petting zoo, but that’s what will happen unless we nip this in the bud now and act decisively.
We are working with our partners in The Kingdom Of Saudi Arabia which we all know is a beacon of light and reasonableness to kick the shit out of these evil suckers, if properly tooled up I think the Saudi’s can get the job done before they sit down for their Christmas dinner.
We have told the Saudi Freedom Fighters that we are willing to support them with a buy one get one free deal on Trident missiles, and a three for two deal on our new death ray technology.
If they buy a pack of ten death rays before the end of October they can also benefit from our free F-16 Fighting Falcon offer and a complimentary Bob Marley One Love T Shirt, which I know people go crazy for.”
Since 2003, the year of the Iraq invasion, the company’s stock value has boomed, obviously a large company like Lockheed Martin could influence things from behind the scenes and have a profound and illegitimate influence on international policy decisions. Luckily they wont be meddling in this one, apparently.
Dr Fuggelface’s assurances that the industry player is not involved in “marketing war” in any way has come as a relief to everyone involved, especially the mainstream media who haven’t really mentioned the subject, and of course to the Syrians that are shitting themselves at the thought of a military spending festival targeted at their families and children.
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