Monsanto announce cotton plant that grows tampons

Monsanto the company that develops freaky Frankenstein like strains of genetically modified plants in order to solve some of the more serious first world problems, has today announced that it has made a breakthrough in genetically modified cotton production.

Dr Marvin FinkleStien the head of the scientific team working in Monsanto’s cotton department explained to our reporter on the telephone:

“We have managed to modify the Dicamba-and Glufosinate-Tolerant cotton seed by crossing it with a strain of Zuccini (courgette) that produces rayon type fibers.  As a result the cotton bulb that develops on the new plant now grows down in much the same way as a Zucchini does.

The shape of the cotton plant and its fibrous stem means that they can quickly be made into tampons, the cotton bulbs simply need to be compressed and the stem twiddled into a string and they are effectively ready for use.  We expect this to revolutionise the sanitary industry and reduce the cost of production for Tampons by over 95%.”

Long the subject of harsh criticism, Monsanto produces Bt cotton seeds resistant to various types of worm in North Gujarat India.  Much of this cotton is destined for sanitary products.

In 2003, it was estimated that around 17,000 children worked for Monsanto and their Indian subsidiary Mahyco.  It was unclear if these children will also be used for the complex “string twiddling” process where smaller hands are an obvious advantage.  Poor old Monsanto has also been in the wars recently after an estimated 250,000 farmers has committed suicide due to Monsanto’s Bt cotton seeds not working very well at all.

Farmers, left in desperate poverty, are opting to free their families of debt by drinking Monsanto pesticide according to one source.  The announcement of the new product should come as a relief to the cotton farmers and the kids employed by the company’s subsidiaries and suppliers, although the sales of hara-kiri inducing pesticides will almost certainly be negatively impacted if this new strain of occlusion producing cotton takes off.

Monsanto claim that crossing plant strains in a lab to produce completely man made genetically modified food is the only way  to “Save the world” and feed the growing population.  This of course would beg the question why they don’t issue their seed patents as “open source” technology rather than charging for genetically modified seed strains that effectively replace the natural seed strains developed by the farmers themselves.  It is also unclear how many people are eating cotton world wide, but there must be some.

Of course it is obvious that Monsanto is not masking a profit motive behind its altruistic, do-gooding deeds.  Before it got into the seed technology business Monsanto was mainly involved in developing chemicals and pesticides, including the revolutionary “Agent Orange” herbicide that was used extensively in Vietnam War.  It is thanks to this one amazing Monsanto innovation that many children in Vietnam are now being born with massive heads, extra limbs and funky radical mutations that although debilitating and life destroying for the current victims is surely a step closer on the road to “X MEN” – although no kids are currently reporting the ability to fly using their voice, use their mind to control people or make metal bend in mid-air surely we can not be far off.

Other wise surely Monsanto would just be a bunch of profiteering a**holes – Yes that meant Assholes.


Monsanto on Child Labor

Trouble in India

Agent Orange and the road to X-Men

Kiddies wanted for jobs