The Tokyo Electric Power Company (Tepco) assured the public today that there was “really nothing to see” at the clean-up site in Fukushima, saying reports that the situation had gotten out of hand and the site had sustained a number of leaks were “not not true”.
The Tepco spokesperson then pointed wildly to the left and exclaimed “Look! A US lab is really close to nuclear fusion! That’s an interesting story!”
Cornering a Vailey.com reporter after the impromptu press conference, the spokesperson pressed for the source of the information about suspected leak.
“It was a rat, wasn’t it?” he was heard to remark. “Those rats shouldn’t be talking. Or collaborating with each other to write a musical called ‘Fuck U, Fukushima’. But this is our reality”.
When informed that Vailey.com does not reveal its sources, the spokesperson was overcome by a fit of rage and vowed to “set the cats on that rat motherfucker”. (Apologies for the language, readers).
It became clear that the spokesperson was under the impression that an actual rodent, specifically of the Rattus Norvegicus family, had informed on Tepco, leading reporters and international scientists to worry about the level of animal deformity and mutation taking place as a result of the nuclear meltdown.
The news wasn’t all negative, though. Tepco reported great successes in their “Send Old People to Die” programme, enacted in Fukushima in 2011 after the Japanese tsunami and subsequent nuclear meltdown. This cutting-edge pilot scheme involves getting the elderly community in Fukushima to clean up the disaster site, thereby having those members of the community who are not long for this world take the brunt of the radiation.
Tepco closed the conference with a shout-out to their “homies over in Chernobyl, who are going through a hard time right now”. In a strangely confessional soliloquy by the Tepco employee, he reminisced about the late-night Skype sessions they had had with the “crazy Ukrainians” who, they said, had been invaluable in giving them advice in being first-time nuclear disaster site workers.
“It was great to speak to someone who’s done it before you and hear that they were just as clueless in the beginning. Someone to empathise with about all the late nights and the new responsibilities. They gave us great advice about building containment structures. A “what not to do”, if you will. They’re currently rebuilding their containment building because the one they built in the 80s is crumbling and hugely dangerous” the employee chuckled fondly, “they call it the sarcophagus. Those guys…”.
In a follow-up press release sent to major news outlets, Tepco announced the creation of a mascot for Fukushima, a talking egg named “Fukuppy”, further worrying zoologists around the globe.
For more by Sarah Garvey, visit www.theemptyshirt.com