UNICOR, the government company that runs and operates many of the workhouses that exist in the federal penitentiaries of the United States, today announced that prisoners would be put to work in new community based medical marijuana dispensaries to help fund their incarceration. The spokesperson for UNICOR Andrew Rollafatawon explained to gathered news organisations today:
“We have tried putting these non violent offenders to work making bumper plates, calling people for telemarketing companies and as alternatives to gibbons in cosmetics testing laboratories, but as yet none of these initiatives have been highly successful, nor do they generate the returns that we require in order to make us a truly sustainable company. As a result we have decided to radically re-think our business plan and employment policies.
After an exhaustive study by leading corporate strategy consultancy “Cheech And Chong Associates” we arrived at the realisation that incarceration for soft drugs in the USA has increased twelve fold in recent years. When we then carried out an exercise to match our inmates skills profiles with market demands, it quickly became apparent that we have a highly skilled workforce experienced in the growing and the sale of “top drawer” sensimillia combined the fortuity of a growing market demand.
Thanks to our work with Cheech & Chong we now understand how we can put these delinquent drug offenders in work and generate a huge cash crop that would not only increase our revenues but would also help us appreciate good music and satirical comedy. Starting in 2014 we will be opening a chain of medical marijuana dispensaries under the brand “Jailbird Joints”, these facilities will dispense medical grade marijuana with an intense high similar to Super Silver Haze or Royal Caramel.
Under the 13th Amendment of the Constitution Of The United States you will find the following “neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.” This means that legally we are on safe ground, however UNICOR is restricted by its mandate and we can currently only supply to the federal government. The CIA have their own dealers already in place but we are hoping that those kids at the NSA will develop a taste for the herb.
There is potentially so much cash at stake that I am sure we can successfully lobby congress to change our mandate so we are able to sell our product to the consumer market relatively quickly. Mr Rollafatawon added.
A study by the Progressive Labor Party, which accuses the prison industry of being “an imitation of Nazi Germany with respect to forced slave labor has not made a comment on the new initiative. Many of these beardy weirdy hippies have stated that the contracting of prisoners for work fosters incentives to lock people up as prisons grow to depend on this income. They claim that corporate stockholders who make money off of prisoners’ workhouses aggressively lobby for longer sentences, in order to expand their workforce and increase their profits. Obviously anyone looking at the graph representing incarceration figures in the United States can see this is premium grade baloney, it is simply that people are much more naughty now than they were thirty years ago.
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